Description
In the Jimmy Rogers Chronicles, Book 2 – It’s Impossible, Chapter 81 Aaron writes to Belle.
You know Belle, from previous “Imaginings” and our talks, I can find a way to live with the knowledge you are with another, intimately. I have zero right to object to anything you do. Of course, as someone deeply interested in you, I’m not saying I’m thrilled with the idea another is with you in a way I long to be.
But never having experienced even your embrace, let alone receiving all you have to give to someone you love completely, means I can only imagine what I’m missing.
Of course, that’s the “curse half” of the blessing/curse of my God given gift of imagination. I love that God has given me a mind that can create whole worlds out of my active imagination and He gives me the words in song and prose to share those worlds with others.
But that active imagination is a curse when I imagine you giving to another what I hunger so deeply for. When those thoughts come into my imagination, I run them off like the “thieves and home invaders” they are, in my mind.
In fact, Belle, when I imagine you with another, I drive those images out of my mind by retracing my journey the countless times I’ve traveled over every centimeter of you with my lips, my hands, my whole body and soul. I don’t know why, but I always start at that spot where your neck gracefully flows into the beginning of your shoulder.
I’m imagining my lips there right now; you taste so sweet with just a slight hint of sea salt. The heat rising in me as I write and imagine kissing that spot answers my question, “why” I start there.
I suppose I do not start by imagining I’m pressing my lips to your lips because I instinctively know that thought would prematurely conclude our love time together. “Slow down, slow way, way down boy and give and receive all our mutual bond calls from us,” I tell myself when in this dream-like imaginative state where I’m with you totally, not just platonically.
Why is that “neck-joining-shoulder” curve such a magnet for my carnal thirst for you? If it’s the “curve” that draws me in why not start with the curvaceous beauty of your spectacular ass?
See what you’ve done to me. I’m not myself. Aaron Rizzer doesn’t talk like that.
Sometimes, as I’m drinking you in like a blue-ribbon award-winning wine, I can’t restrain myself from moving from a front facing position to a position where I can better see the magnificence of your one-of-a-kind buttocks. OMG, what an ass! OMG, I can’t believe I typed that.
That’s right, I’m fixated on that which makes for a breathtaking view as you are walking away. To say you look fabulous coming and going, is the understatement of the century.
Yes, I know you know what I’m doing, when I take that side view position. I know you do not miss anything. God, I hope that innate knowledge, that understanding of me you seem to possess isn’t leading you to mistakenly believe, again that I’m like every other guy that’s been drawn to your unique beauty.
I’m not! Just as you are one, I too am one. And I am the one for you. O. K you say, I’m dreaming again, your right, but they are sweet dreams baby, got me dreaming the whole day through.
Who am I channeling?
I wrote “I am the one” because I sincerely believe that I can love you better than any other. I cannot prove that without actually living that every day, with you.
But I do know that I love you without limit and more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything.
We both know I want to know you intimately, but I’ve wanted others physically. With you there’s something beyond that all consuming physical attraction. It’s deeper, wider, higher, more all-encompassing. My hunger for you is not limited to the physical.
I feel my soul, my spirit, my heart, my mind, my body, my all in pursuit of all of you. If you were food, I’d immediately break my one meal a day plan and feast on you all day long.
Sometimes, as my eyes trace over those curves, I imagine we are in a king size bed. I lay my face on those cheeks just after we have pleasured each other to the point of total completeness.
I know resting there would bless me with such a deep sleep, the peace from that rest would find me awakening ready to take on any challenge life had to offer.
Belle, there is something about you that just pulls me to you like the pull of home on a weary traveler making his way back.
I know I want this love I have for you to be expressed without limitations. But I do not want to be the next one you give yourself to, I want to be the last.
If the next one is the last one, let it be me, Almighty God!
Sometimes I ask myself why this love burns so fiercely in me. Why it refuses to weaken, even when you pull away. Even when I doubt there’s a place for me in your future.
Maybe it’s because, for the first time in my life, I want something more than I want to be wanted.
I want to give this love. Without conditions. Without contracts. Without guarantees. Just… give it. Not to earn your body or secure your promise, but to honor something that feels sacred and rare. A once-in-a-lifetime alignment of soul and spirit.
Maybe love doesn’t die when it’s unreturned. Maybe it just sits quietly on the front porch of someone’s heart, holding a bouquet of every kind word, every prayer, every dream it ever hoped to give. Not knocking. Not demanding. Just waiting, until the day it’s either invited in… or gently learns it was never meant to enter.
If that’s delusion, let me live in it. Because loving you has made me better, Belle. Even in silence. Even from a distance. Even knowing I may never be the one you reach for.
You’ve made me gentler. Stronger. Hungrier, yes, but not for conquest. For connection. For communion.
This isn’t about being chosen because I’m the best option. It’s about becoming the man who never stops choosing you, whether or not you ever choose me back.
This love… it’s real because it’s sincere. It’s not a game. Not a strategy. Just a daily choice to cling to what’s good, and leave behind whatever makes love selfish or small. You’ve helped me find that part of me, Belle. The part that lets go of control and chooses only to love, purely and without pretense.
I can’t promise to be perfect. I’ve failed at more things than I care to count. But I can promise this, that whatever is good, and noble, and tender in me isn’t mine to claim. It’s what happens when I get out of the way and let the Christ in me lead. And it’s that part of me, His part, that’s drawn to you, Belle, without apology.
If I’m not the one who gets to walk beside you, I’ll still thank God for the journey of loving you.
Because, in the end, all I know is I love you.
